So anyways, when I moved again, for the third time this year, I unearthed a lot of old crap from my bleeding heart, misunderstood and tormented teenage years.
I tried pretty hard at being dark, back in the day. Even though my family life was pretty good and I never really had a moment of sorrow or anything remotely horrid happen to me as a child - I was dark dammit - and my little soul was a deep, black bottomless pit of deep, dark tomented teenaged-ness.
I was seeing a boy around the time that I was 16, we'll call him Boy. It was a complicated thing because I had to break up with someone to date Boy, but he was so cute and cool, talented and dark - the darkness thing was really important to me. So I did what I had to do to be with him, that way - we could be dark together.
Boy was as thin as a rake, tall, with dark hair and great clothes, he had great taste in music - and I still have to give him credit for shaping some of my own music collection to this very day. Credit where credit is do. I was smitten as a kitten, I was convinced that this was it, my deep, dark heart had found it's match and I was never going to be happier then I was then.
Of course we know better now - nearly a year later he ended up breaking up with me a week after I had broken my foot in a drunken dancing incident, and dating my then best friend, someone that I from then on referred to as the scavenger, because she had a habit of picking over my leftovers, clothes, boyfriends etc. (another story, yes.)
Boy's and my relationship was a complicated one - we could discuss anything, and we feed off each other's ideas and creativity. Plus, you know, we were so, so dark. Here's the kicker though, he used to cut, he was destructive. When he broke my heart I started cutting too.
I can almost hear you gasping over the revelation. But seriously now kids. I could never really muster the courage to go as deep as he did though. But I figured if he noticed my little wounds that he would see how much we were the same and how dark I was and he would want me to be his girlfriend again - I wanted his attention. It was never really about self injury.
How fucked up is that?
And the only reason that these thoughts came to me head today, was through unpacking and I came across a CD booklet (I have no idea where the disc is now) that was an anthem from that time. Instantly I was taken back to that September, when my wrists and arms were scratched to shit and I had never felt more worthless.
To assure you though - I got over him in due time, and what he is to me now is a slightly fond memory soured with the same things that all highschool memories are tainted with, broken hearts, broken friendships, treasures lost through time and sometimes outright plain assholes.
I never 'cut' myself again after that - I had moved on, and it almost seemed that he had stayed stagnant to me after that time, in the same cycle. I guess looking back on it now, if I had been a better friend I would have tried to help him more, and maybe helped myself more. But I do know that after him, I moved into a much lighter place, opened up my heart more and had a way better music collection.
Plus I ended up dating a really great looking guy, who was a senior at another school and had his own car. Total upgrade.
- on a serious note, if you are in a dark place and have turned to self harm, please get yourself help, tell someone, don't be afraid to ask for help. -
